2011, year of huge disappointments and a dash of happy moments.

With the year coming to an end, it is only natural to start reflecting on all the events that took place since the very first day of January 2011. Normally, December is a gloomy time for me. It is when the realization that nothing has changed hits the hardest. I don't get depressed really - just feel sad that nothing of 365 days ago my life was exactly the same. I don't have any deadlines or specific life goals, but I always wish that the year prior were memorable. This December, however, I have not been feeling the usual pensiveness induced by the coming New Year. I think this is because 2011 was not just another year.

2011. The year I became a second year university student, the year I lost almost all desire to continue my studies. 2011 is also the year I came know that my future career could be at least as important to me as my personal life. 2011 was the year I actually failed to live up my standards in terms of grades at school and most of all I've disappointed my parents. It was the second half of the year I started neglecting my studies -- I couldn't care much. And yeh, the result of it is me failing in my second semester of my second year of university. But, since that day I've been trying to change and I believe I will not repeat my same mistakes. Well I can't just say it or type it out, but I will definitely take recovery steps in turning myself back to the old days. December 2011 is the year where I got to know this girl, and well just like all the guys and girls do sometime time in their life, is fallin' in love.

Well, with all this coming right at the very last few days of December, my summer classes which commences this Wednesday as well as my nearing vacation trip to the Scandinavia, 2011 was a very different year which has affected every aspects of my life. Though 2011 was a year with both failures and happy times and definitely not a perfect one (in terms of university results) it was good enough to eliminate that feeling of mind numbing monotony that I usually have this time of the year...

''Suck-asm''

Everybody has a few close buddies where they could be sarcastic towards each other and not have second thoughts. Usually these are lifelong friends who understand you and are extremely close to where there is never a question of intention. I thought about that the other day and I started to reflect about the other end of sarcasm that we use them in our daily lives and what that seemed like. So why do we do it? Why does sarcasm dominate so much of the culture that we subsist in? I personally think that sarcasm is a defense system we use to shield ourselves or ward off something. Sarcasm is control of the situation that you find yourself in which has no benefits. When people are uncomfortable, self conscious and etc, sarcasm is used to deal with these things or in other words to cope. Therefore in the end sarcasm is an act of selfishness and egoism. I guess sarcasm is our defensive offense if that ever make sense. How if every sarcastic comment that people make was replaced with genuine encouragement or silence? What would things turn out to be like? Be sincere to yourself, think and make the correct decision.

dream.a.little.dream.of.doing

It’s a fact that doing and dreaming are two sets of dissimilar processes. All in all, we often bind to the process of dreaming. How many times have we stated a goal or target that we would like to achieve...and...in the end it is just a faint dream fading away resulting from our doubts in our own capabilities. We are a nation of dreamers, a nation of people who acquires the aptitude, but is short in the process of doing. Many a time, I come across the sentence – ‘I make it if I wanted to’ in which made me ponder. Yeah, when we make the same statement internally it surely does give us a huge boost of confidence, however, the question is - Do we carry the same confidence? I do not think we do most of the time. Frankly, I don’t. In clandestine, most of us are afraid of the process of doing and thus engaging more in the process of dreaming. Dreaming may be brilliant if clinging to it are actions of achievement. Conversely, when dreams are imagination which clouds the mind, we commit to being stagnate which can sometimes lead to resentment and disenchantment. So, where does this leave us? It leaves us in the all consuming position of choice. To Dream / To Do. Dreams are fantastic, but can finish a wonderful mind and lessen merits dying to be released. In short, what I meant is when we fall into the trap of dreaming, imagination becomes our reality and reality becomes indebted to us. As soon as reality is our debtor, it owes us something. However, when we commit to the process of doing, we craft reality, it becomes our vehicle to the dreams we wish to obtain.

PS : I feel dreaming is a wonderful experience, so to say that dreaming is not a negative or useless experience. What I am speaking is about different mindset of dreaming.

truth-behind-self-defensiveness

Even though this might or will look as if it’s like a blanket idea, let me first state I do believe exceptions exist here. People can get angry for valid reasons and etc. However, what I am asking you to think about is...all the other times anger happens and how often it could be what I will mention below. Recently, I’ve been thinking and wondering as to why people respond with annoyance and anger so much in reply to anything seems to be the circumstances. I came to a conclusion in most of the cases where individuals respond in anger; they are maybe just wrong about whatever and thus led to an angry, frustrated, embarrassed and prideful behaviour. I feel anger is a so called ‘conceal’ and truly effortless exit from the true tough path of using the words. At some stage of life, we are so obstinate about defending our honour and have chased the rabbit thus far. It is simply a stubborn problem that we would rather continue to fight the barren fight than to admit and concede what we most likely know as truth on the inside. Next time, whenever you find yourself responding with anger first, quickly THINK, am I just angry because I'm wrong.

To Love, From Love

It’s devine to desire for love, expect love and most importantly have it. However, questioning ourselves; what should we do when we get love is common. We should just relax! It’s not that we expect the love to be one sided and not do our very part in a relationship. Love is unconditional, but it doesn’t mean one gives unconditionally and the other gets entirely. Affection is a state where a person truly concerns about you for YOU. You should do all you could be honest to yourself of course to reciprocate. I mean c’mon...every individual wants and desires for love and amity and the whole nine yards, nevertheless you MUST give the same. Do not just receive and feel threatened at times where people get tired of just giving while you compensate love with empty words and unfulfilled commitments. Be loved and love without circumstances but with responsibility.

Love is not just a word you use to threaten people into silencing them about your bad behaviours or broken promises. Love is what should encourage you to do your part as well. Love is simply unconditional when you do not put a condition that it is unconditional. In short, each of us should do our part for love!

Now

*Image adapted from Google*

In my personal opinion, the real idea to be real is through acquiring and persevering roots and really hit us in our deep hearts’ core in order to make essential changes in the way we think. Not only that, we shall match our attitude and precedence upon the reflection of impermanence. Understanding the evanescent intellectually only would not help us to cover every blades of grass on the field. On the other hand, realizing evanescent and how it pervades all present phenomenons are fairly important. Further improvements will be slow or nil if these apprehensions are left out. There would be countless changes if the awareness of impermanence is not intellectual but arising from our heart. It would then construct clear signs and indications that eventually bad behaviour becomes good with ease. Containing our egos would be pleasurable. We would not spend our time acquiring wealth through the ‘fast’ way or reputation through 'counting' the good deeds you’ve done. Over obsession in obtaining quick fame and wealth would definitely tie us down for years and yet get us nowhere. Yes! Some of the people do get rich or famous ‘overnight’ however those who get rich through evil ways should be ticked off the book. Take a look at all the people who have it (Ka-ching $$$), yet it ends... at the very last breathe they take. No matter how powerful, wealthy, & famous we are, it all does not matter anymore. The truth within the good deeds we’ve done is what we carry within us. However, distracting ourselves now by having ‘fun’ will lead us to greater regrets and short of time to do anything beneficial in the end… Death however, is not the end... it is truly a transition or a passage to the other realm of being. Nonetheless, whether the passage we are led to is pleasant or not is totally dependent on us at present moment!

PS : Procrastinations and not pushing will never escape from the truths of impermanence and death. Never adjourn or simply not think about it. Instead, we should think about it, face it, fear it and from this...DO SOMETHING AND SOAR!

streams.of.egoism

*Image adapted from Google Images*

Egoism is something which hold hostage of the life through locking it up in a so-called ‘abstract barred enclosure’. These enclosures are brought together with expectations, which are backed by trepidation or insecurity. These expectations come together to create a concept whereby a ‘label’ assigns a role for these expectation to play in our environment.

Fascinatingly enough, placing ‘other’ in these ‘abstract’ enclosures allow ego to attain sense of distinctiveness. We commonly recognize and generalize incorrect doings with words such as wrong, while the egoism under certain circumstances in us cautiously labels it as ‘right’. It is through this very process of conceptualization that ego attains an ‘identification card’. If it were not for these labels, ego would have no idea as to whether it were approaching or leaving. In view of the fact that our very identity is banking on the constant preservation of these ‘enclosures’, there is a vast amount of time and energy dealt in investing these conceptual thoughts.

Many a time we unknowingly know how to correlate problems by observing and comparing it to the environment in our daily lives. A fan is one of the many examples, taken. When a fan is turned off or spinning at a slow rate, it is clear that there are three individual blades. The faster the fan spins, the more ‘rigid’ the blades appear to be. The three blades are going so fast that, eventually, they seem to have a disk-like appearance. This resemblance can be implied to our thoughts. When the mind is calm and at ease we can ‘see’ thought for what it is. Conversely, things appear to be more and more rigid when we use more and more energy in thinking. The reason is that; energy which is being endowed in thought is thought. Hence, after a certain period of time, the stream of thought becomes ‘flooded’ and it seems as though mind is a steady stream of thought when it is actually not what it is. In short, we call it mental barrier. Once the stream of thoughts ‘solidifies’, we inevitably mistake the map for the territory and...we begin to relate with thought asthough it were reality.

To say that we have misguided thought for reality is to say that what we think about events takes precedence over fundamental experience. Life as it is takes the back seat to our interpretations on life. Unfortunately, these interpretations are perforated with imperfections and flaws. The concepts we use to delineate the diverse aspects of impermanence are little more than an attempt to ascribe undeviating traits to impermanent events.



Ps : There is a slight degree of curiosity as to how life is nothing more than a continuous stream of evolution, but the notions which we attributed to it look as if it is to go along and unchanged for a significant period of time.

Changin' for the Better

Well it may seem ridiculous to say that this coming Monday , 28th of Febuary 2011 is the actual start of year 2011 for me. I've been doing the wrong things or well I should say been bumming / playing a fool / and much more other crazy and stupid things that I've done in the previous year. Now I understand the importance of studying , so as the importance of time management. Failing a unit is the very last thing I would like to see on my score sheet and is the very first thing that I would like to avoid. And yes, I failed 2 units last year; 1 in first sem and another in the second. That horrible result really 'woke' me up not physically but mentally. I finally understand my mum's advise as to quiting DotA is for my own good. It's weird that I always think that I'm still at the age of 16 or so. Man, never knew that it was too old for me to play all those online games already. I'm already 20 this year and another 2 more fuckin' years I'll be working. Yeah working. If I don't start thinking and behaving like an adult, who's gonna wipe MA ass in the years to come? Working life is a total different thing, I've tried working for other people and HELL, it ain't easy.

So to accomadate my recent understanding to the outside world, I've learnt that life is not just a game. Its THE GAME! Everyone strive to becoming the best, and the weaker ones will eventually fall. Nobody would like to be on the losing side for sure! Losing a game for a game is nothing as there is always the Restart button that's waiting for us to hit at the very end of the game that we have lost. However, when we are talking about life game, there's not alot of chance that one could use the Reset button.

Reality is cruel, and I know if I screw up another unit in Uni I'll be totally fucked. Meaning that I'll be wasting another one more year to retake my units and having me to watch my friends graduating while im still in Uni is certainly not a fun thing.

In life one has to sacrifice a part of their usual habits in order to obtain a better outcome.
Therefore, I've decided to take immediate action by deleting my Warcraft III, Counter Strike and also put a stop to nightlife, such as clubbing and drinking sessions. It's easy for people to say that it's okay to play at times but most importantly one must divide time properly. I know I'm not a person whos good at dividing time, therefore putting a stop to all the above activities is a better way. Both 2011 and 2012 will be the time for me to strike back and put myself back on track. Nothing lesser than 2 Distinctions and 2 High Distinctions!

I know life's short and we gotta enjoy our life to the fullest, but at times enjoying life to the fullest causes us to over attach in doing things which eventually makes us do what we seldom do. That is what happened to me last year, over doing things...

Fortunately, I know who am I and what my goals are now. I've finally rediscovered myself through this failure. Failure is not the end of the world, but it's an alarming indication that a change for the better is needed!

PS: When you are honest, life will never fail you. :)

great achievements with less work...

Over and over again, we by mistake think that doing less makes us lazy which results in lack of productivity. Instead, doing less aid us to savour what we do achieve. We become skilled at doing less of what is irrelevant and engage in less self-defeating behaviour, so we craft a productive life that we truly feel good about.